Ep 54 | Supporting self care and boundaries in your practice

Annie: I'm Annie.

Leah: And I'm Leah.

Annie: And this is Lactation Business Coaching with Annie and Leah, where we talk about the smart way to create a compassionate and professional private practice.

Leah: Let's dive in.

Annie: Well, hey there, Leah.

Leah: Hi Annie, how are you?

Annie: I am great. I really love this topic today because it's one where I feel like I can't talk about it too much because I'm really bad at it, and so every time I talk about it, I'm reminded of ways that I can support myself through self-care and boundaries.

Leah: It's so true. It's so true. I think all of us should have a reminder at least monthly about the importance of this. Because I think even, especially through this pandemic time and so many things going on in our world, it adds to just normal stress. Now we have extra, extra stress and that means we need extra, extra self-care and extra, extra boundaries, which is really hard cause in our brains we kind of just want to live life like we always have. And it's hard to do that. We have to recognize we need a lot more supporting ourselves through this time than maybe we're used to doing. Yeah, I know we've both talked about how hard it is for us to maintain our boundaries and remember our self-care practices. I know I've really struggled with that and had to come back around several times.

Annie: Definitely. Before we talk more about self-care and boundaries, we just want to remind you that if you want to give yourself a little treat and spend some time with some other private practice lactation consultants, our May Deeper Dive with Tiara Caldwell, she's an LPN and also an IBCLC, and that's going to be on May 12th at 3:00 PM Eastern and we're going to put a link in the show notes that you can register for that. Or you can go to https://learn.anniefrisbie.com and you can click on our Deeper Dive memberships, or you can click on our Deeper Dive area to see all the different ways that you can get connected with us in these monthly Deeper Dives. I kind of feel like spending time talking about my private practice with other people who get it, that counts as self-care, right?

Leah: Definitely because that's building community, and we know that we're humans and we're designed for community. And whether that community is around the work that you do or other interests that you have, that feeling of togetherness and supportive people around you. I think it makes such a big difference. I know that it's something that I haven't paid as close attention to over the pandemic because I'm like, Oh, I can't go anywhere with anybody so I kind of let it slide, but I know even the virtual community building stuff like our Deeper Dives and other events that we've had, I can feel the energy still and I get so revved up and just, I don't know. You know how you can feel energy from other people when you're in the presence with them. But I think my brain and body you're getting used to gathering that energy up in this virtual world as well. And so I feel like these community building things can make such a big difference in your self-care for sure.

Annie: Definitely. Cause one thing that always comes out is the commiseration of oh, I'm not alone. I'm not the only one that struggles with things like boundaries and self-care. I mean, like for me, I would say the number one thing that I don't do for myself is I just don't stay hydrated. I mean, I keep my water next to me, but I find it really hard with doing the virtuals because I don't really want to drink in front of my clients. Even water because I know I'm sensitive to how it's going to sound so I try to mute myself, but then they're also watching me. I don't find it pleasant to watch people eat on Zoom and I don't want them feeling like, ah, she looked really gross when she was drinking the water. I don't know. It's a thing where I just would like to do it between. I would never think about that in person. If I had to drink water, I would just drink water, not during COVID, but generally. I don't really think about it, drinking water in front of other people, but it's different when it's on camera and so...

Leah: It does seem like that, for sure.

Annie: I don't do a good job and then I'll get so thirsty that I'll be like, okay, I'm just going to drink all of this water. And then I'll spend my next consult with my leg going up and down under my desk and I have to pee so bad. I have to pee so bad. So, I'm either dehydrated or holding my pee all the time. That was the case. I think we've talked about this too when we talked about doing home visits and nothing has changed in virtual visits.

Leah: No, it has not. It's so true. I have all the same issues I feel like as I did when I was doing home visits, where I'm like oh, I don't want to drink a bunch of water because I've got to sit in this chair and not move for the next two hours. Or I'm just going to try to drink as much as I can right now and surely, I'll have it through my system before I get there and I don't, I have to go so bad. It's so funny. You know, one hack that I have been doing. So I was like, how could I drink more water and manage the pee situation and no, it's not adult diapers. Don't worry. The hack is actually - I got this big, giant 64-ounce jug and before I get out of bed in the morning, I literally try to chug as much water as I humanly possibly can, and I know this might not be like real hydration, but it makes me feel better. I just chug until my stomach is like, no, you're not drinking any more water. And then I get a whole bunch of peeing out before I have to leave the house cause then I'm going to go drink my coffee and I'm going to get up and take my shower and all of that, so I have lots of opportunities to pee either before I get in front of my virtual visits or before I leave my house. I feel better as I'm at least front-loading the water situation. Is that even a thing? I don't know. I'm probably dehydrated by the afternoon, but at least I feel like I started the day slightly more hydrated cause I am the worst at drinking water, for sure.

Annie: Well listen, we know that with milk supply, the milk that babies are getting first thing in the morning is super abundant and it's really hydrating and so babies are drinking a lot first thing in the morning, so I feel like this is a biologically appropriate habit.

Leah: There you go. See! So, I'm doing it just like the babies are doing it. Thank you for pointing that out. And I think it makes a lot of sense because you're going long time overnight and you're not drinking anything and you're probably wake up kind of dehydrated. I will say I have noticed a substantial increase in my energy level and the water that I drink later on in the day, I feel like it doesn't make me pee as much. Is that possible? There's probably some scientific evidence behind that. I get all my pee out in the morning and then I don't know, I can drink more water and hold it longer. Maybe my bladder got really stretched out and then I can hang on for you for another hour or two. I don't know the theory behind it, but it's working for me right now. Have you figured out any self-care hacks that are helping you out right now?

Annie: A big one for me is making sure that I get time to move my body. I'm a real home body. And even though I've literally been in my house for … at this point, we're recording this in early March. I've been in this house for a year. I barely left, but sometimes I'm like, I know I need to go drop something off at the UPS store, but it's really going to cut into my time to putter around my house. So I'm fine with not going anywhere, but it also means my physical activity has really gone down during the pandemic. With being at home and doing all virtuals, I'm really in this chair. I used to walk all the time. I used to do a ton of just being outside just because I had to. I know that my mood and my energy and my sleep and everything is improved when I'm exercising. I also really enjoy exercising. I'm definitely not somebody who's like I hate it, but I'll do it anyway. I'm not going to do it if I hate it. There are certain kinds of exercise that I hate and I will not do them, but there's exercise that I love, and often what gets in my way is I just don't have it scheduled. The day just slips away cause I'm puttering around my house and I'm like, Oh, I didn't exercise today. And so I've been doing this for years now. There's a little promo Daily Burn and I'm obsessed with Daily Burn. I've been doing it for years. I actually appeared on an episode once with my friend Elise and now she's a regular. I'm like, oh, there's my friend Elise, because they film near our house, but they do a live workout. It's not live right now; it's prerecorded, but they drop it. It used to be full on live. At 9:00 AM every day the new workout comes out and so if I do it at 9:00 AM, I have it all scheduled. I wake up, I drink my coffee. I make breakfast for the kids. I work out at nine. I take my shower and then I feel like the rest of the day belongs to me and I feel great because I exercised, and I get to like walk around the rest of the day. I'm like, oh, my legs are sore from my workout and then that reminds me that I did something nice for myself that I enjoyed. And so for me, I really have to schedule things and I really have to ... just like we were talking about in the last episode about everything has to be in the right place and it's okay if it's messy, but it still has to be where it belongs for me to feel good, the same thing as with my time. I have to make sure that that I have a flow and that I'm kind of doing things the same way every day or it doesn't get done. What about you? What are some things you do?

Leah: So it's interesting because I think personality comes into this and I am definitely more fluid in things, which can be good and bad things. So when I look at movement or the different self-care practices, other than my water habit, I give myself like a weekly goal. So ok, I know that I'm going to walk at least four times a week, so I try to have four days that I go on a three-mile walk. My husband and I do that together sometimes if the timing lines up or sometimes I'll just go on my own. But it's very fluid for me because every day is a little bit different, I guess. And so I like that because it gives me space like if I wake up and I'm just like, you know what? What would really serve me right now is actually having some time with one of my kiddos, some one-on-one time. Or what would really serve me today is if I actually go meditate or if I just have some quiet time where I'm journaling. I try to focus on what would serve me for that day on how I'm feeling, and I used to feel really bad about not having super strict practices, and I have tried so many different routines like I will wake up. I used to for a long time. You probably heard on this podcast pre-COVID, I would get up at 4:30 and go to this outdoor workout from five to six and then come home and do all my morning stuff. I have a very strict routine. And although that did work, it wasn't a bad thing at all, I found that there were sometimes where that wasn't what my body needed. I was really pushing myself through it and I would realize l actually felt really drained and yuck all day after that. So I've been exploring. We're always on a journey. You might hear me on a podcast in six months and I'm doing something different, but this is Leah on a journey. Right now, I'm kind of in this space of trying to listen to what I feel like my body or my mind is telling me I need that day, and then really trying to honor that. And what I've done as far as boundaries around that, because I know you have really good boundaries around your workout and I so commend you for that because I know I've been like, Annie, we need to meet. We need to meet at ... Can you meet at eight o'clock, which is nine o'clock your time? And you go, nope, can't meet, sorry. Going to work out. I'm like, come on. That's the only time I have. Nope, can't do it. Okay, I honor your boundary. I appreciate it though because it's so hard cause you can get pulled. You're like, oh, well that person really needs to talk to me so I'll just skip it this one day and then, oh man, this other day, something else happens. And then before you know it, you're like I haven't worked out in two weeks. But what has really helped me around boundaries is building in what I think about as white space, like some blank spaces in my day so that I can do these things that I know my body or my mind are asking for to honor that time. So it is time that I'm blocking out, but what I'm going to do with that time is a little bit fluid based on what I'm feeling like I'm needing that day. And for the last little bit that I've been working through that, it's been working really nicely for me to not have the rigidity of it, but this a little fluid. So, I do have kind of a running list of things that I know fuel me. And then I'm trying to hold that boundary of having more white space in my day that I could grab one of the kiddos and we could take the dogs for a walk or I could go in my room and just kind of try to chill out for a little bit or whatever, or watch an episode of my favorite show. That's helped me a lot with the boundaries. Boundaries are hard for me though, because I feel like there's always somebody that needs me. What are some of your best boundary hacks? I feel like you are better at boundaries than me, although I think you'd probably say that you might not be. Do you have any wisdom, any wisdom you want to share when it comes to boundaries, because they really are a big part of self-care because I don't feel like you can have self-care without some good boundaries? What are your thoughts?

Annie: Yeah, I would say I have good thoughts about boundaries, but this winter especially was really challenging for me because I was putting all the pieces together for the course, the Lactation Private Practice Essential Course, and it was recording with I think it ended up being total 27 different instructors and it was prerecorded. It was 40 prerecorded hours, and then all these Lives to coordinate. And that really was a time where I was like I can't have boundaries. I do try to keep to evenings for my family. I don't work. I don't work at night. Once dinner's over, I don't work anymore, but there were times when I did have to stay up late working or I had to record with people in the evening and I was having to do stuff on the weekends. And so I have a tendency to think like, oh, okay. So now I have to make that up somehow, but I'm also like, no, you know what? It's okay to just be like that's how it was that time. I don't owe myself extra self-care now, but I do owe it to myself to say, don't stay in that energy. And so paying attention like you're saying to how I'm feeling and something that has been really helpful as I've really examined this is to say, there are going to be times where I'm going to be in idea mode. There's going to be times when I'm going to be in implement mode. And then there's also times when I'm going to be wrapping things up and then sitting in the quiet until I start the new thing. And so I've been really looking at when I feel quiet to be quiet because it's not wrong. I don't need to be moving, moving, moving all the time and that's been really helpful. And it turned out this winter break, we had a week off. The kids had a week off of school so I took the week off from clients and I took the week of from a lot of other things. And then when the work week started again, I actually was like, well, I'll see clients again, but then I'm going to kind of stay in time off mode and so I didn't take a second week off, but I pushed all of the projects that I was thinking about, and I'm like, yeah, they can wait another week because my energy was still in the wind down mode.

Leah: Yeah.

Annie: And then knowing that the energy is going to come back.

Leah: Yeah, and totally that kind of mindset of cyclical energy and everything, all of our life kind of goes through that cyclical phases. I think that's really wise because nobody can be in push mode 24/7, and you will burn out. It's just a guarantee. It might take you years, especially if you're super motivated, but it'll get to you. And I feel like it's really helpful. One of the things in my old age that I wish I could tell my 30-something self because I was so constantly motivated and energetic, but I think a lot of times I would quiet that voice that was saying here's an opportunity to slow down for a second and my excited entrepreneur self is like, go, go, go. Push for more. You never have to stop. You have all the energy. And now my 40-something self is like, where did all the energy go? But I do recognize our bodies and our minds are telling us that. Now I can look back and see oh, there was definitely some times where I could have recognized that my body was asking or my mind was asking for a little bit of wind down, and maybe I could have honored myself in that and really create some boundaries around that and really asked for help to facilitate that. Because sometimes we need to let the people around us know hey, I'm trying to wind down a little bit. This is going to be a quieter time for me. Whether that be people that live in your home with you, or if that's somebody that works with you or an admin, it's helpful to share that because I think it helps other people recognize no, you're not just being a lazy couch potato and no, you're not forever going to lay around and do nothing. It's just a period of this break that your brain and your body need. I feel like that's really poignant that you said that because it's such a good reminder that we all are going to need that at times and it's okay, and it doesn't mean that you've lost all momentum and all those projects and ideas you have are just going to go to waste. You're just pushing them down the road a little bit because you'll be able to execute them so much better when your energy and your mindset is in the right place. So, thank you for sharing that, Annie.

Annie: I also think something you said too that is really important is how much other people are part of our self-care. And sometimes I don't love the term self-care because it's up to me to take care of myself, and when I talk to families, the parents, I don't like telling these new parents that they have to do self-care. What I want to say is who's taking care of you? We did some Deeper Dives on this topic and one of them was with Jabina Coleman, who's a therapist and a lactation consultant, and her phrase, her concept is "Everybody wants to hold the baby, but who's holding the mother?" And she's really focused on doing work in that area to say, why do we keep asking people to take care of themselves when we really should be building communities and relationships where people are taking care of each other and we've got others in our vault too. Kristin Cavuto has been in the Deeper Dives, and she's also a therapist who talks about this, but really thinking about that support network and saying it's okay to ask them to help you. It's okay to say I need you right now. I need you to hold me up by asking. People feel good when you ask them to help them. The people that love you are going to be like, yes, of course and they're going to ask you, and of course you would say yes. And so, when you have your family or your relationships with the people that you can really count on, everybody's going to be in a different place at a different time, and so you can really hold each other up. That's something that if you're feeling like you're in a place where you don't have people who are lifting you up and holding you up, that's more important to kind of evaluate and look for than any kind of hack around creating boundaries or self-care. We really do need other people and other people want to be there for you.

Leah: Absolutely. Yeah. I totally agree with that and it's such an important reminder, because I think we hit it right directly is that self-care sounds like you have to facilitate all this on your own, and if you're not, you're probably not doing self-care good enough, which is the anti-self-care statement to say. So that community building and making that a priority in your life and especially I think we need those reminders now in pandemic time when we're not getting in person with people as much. Don't forget to keep your support network and your community alive and thriving and put time aside for that because they are the people that help carry us through and are so important. And I'm so excited that I have Annie as part of my support network.

Annie: I know, I know. We've had many tear your hair out text exchanges, and Marco Polo exchanges with each other, because it just feels good to be able to ... sometimes we'll text and we'll say, I just need to tell you what happened to me today because I know you'll get it. And even just saying it and now I feel better cause I told somebody who gets it. I didn't even need anything from her. I just needed her to be there and it really helps. And so, if you can be that for somebody else and find people who can be that for you, it's not selfish to want help from other people at all. In fact, it's one of the best things you can do and to model that for the families that are working with you. So, we hope you'll come to our Deeper Dive with Tiara on the 12th, or check out our past Deeper Dives, and we've got other episodes that are on similar topics to this. This is something that really means a lot to me and Leah, because we've just seen how quickly we in private practice can just fall down into burnout, and it doesn't have to be that way.

Leah: I think it's definitely a passion of both of ours and because we're learning too, I feel like this is something that I'm always trying to educate myself on and learn more, so it's fun to get to come here and talk it through with you. This has been such a great topic and now I really feel like going to do better this week. I want to do even better on self-care and really honor what I'm needing right now, so I hope that you will honor what you're needing right now too. And I just lift you up and support you. Annie and I will look forward to seeing you again at our next podcast.

Annie: Definitely. I'm going to drink a bunch of water as soon as we get off of this because I'm so thirsty. All right, until next time. Bye.

Leah: Bye.

Leah: Thanks for listening to learn more about our monthly Deeper Dives and how to support our podcast for as little as $1 a month, visit www.lactationbusinesscoaching.com. Don't forget to leave us a rating and hit that subscribe button so you never miss an episode.