82 | Tips for Connecting with Babies

Annie - Well, Hey there, Leah.

Leah - Hey, Annie. How are you?

Annie - I'm great. How are you?

Leah - Doing good. Just surviving this Houston heat and hoping I don't melt before fall decides to make its way here.

Annie - Yeah, it's been hot here, too. And because people usually are either walking or taking public transportation, we have had some days where it's been so hot that I have told people I will do a home visit for you instead of having you bring your baby to the office. And I'm going to waive my home visit fee because I just don't want you taking your baby out in this heat. It's so hot for a baby to be walking around.

Leah - I know we think about winter and that being a hard time to get out with your babies. But I had a client the other day, and they live in a third story apartment. And so she's like, here, your car gets so hot, like you can't just go jump in your car with your newborn baby and drive off because it's so hot. She's like, I don't even know how to manage it. I got to walk all the way downstairs with a baby and start the car, but then make sure the car is locked. But then, like, walk all the way back upstairs and wait for it to cool down, but then pray nobody steals it in the process and then and then get back down there. And she was like, I really want to come to the support group, but I don't know if I can do that. And it made me so sad because I'm like, Man, this weather and it's day after day after day. It's like really isolating families. Just another place where we're getting isolated and it's so frustrating.

Annie - It's totally but it's funny too. I don't know if you deal with this because you're in the land of central air, but most apartments don't have central air. We've got window units and I can't tell you how many people think their baby's going to be cold so they don't have the AC on and I'm like 9000 degrees. And I come in and it's hot in there. And they're like, how's the temperature? We just don't want them to be cold. Are you okay? And I'm just like, Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I'm just happy with whatever temperature as the sweat is pouring down my back.

Leah - Yes. Although the other day I had a family and they were like, our ACs are really weird. So we have to keep the downstairs super cold. And it was cold, like literally the family was in sweats and fleeces. And that was like to come into the house and like, I'm seeing all these people in sweats. I mean, after I sat there for a minute, I was like, okay, yeah, it is really cool. But I guess it's the only way that cold gets high enough in their house because they're AC weird or something but I was like, this is so weird to come into the house and then. And then I'm like, freezing, which is usually never what happens. And they had like their baby bundled up and everything was really, really weird. Like I stepped into some weird time warp place where we're like in winter and not summer for just a few minutes. But yeah, the whole central air here is kind of not great. Sometimes I feel like you're getting like such drastic temperature changes, you're like, it's 102 outside and then you walk inside and it's like 70 and your body's like I don't know what to do with that. So anyway, good and bad, it's all just not fun. This is the stage of summer where we're all just, like miserable. And my husband and I are, like, contemplating all the places that are not hot that we're planning to move to. We literally on the way home yesterday were like, okay, boys, so we're going to move somewhere really far north, maybe Alaska. We're not sure, but we can't do the heat anymore. And then by the time winter comes, we'll be like, never mind, we hate the cold. We don't want to go that far north. But yeah, it's that time of year, August is the time.

Annie - Well, even though it's so hot, people are still having babies all the time. And we are here today to talk about our tips for connecting with babies, which honestly, is one of the best parts of the job.

Leah - Totally is. It is. And I think it's something that is a bit of a skill and it really honors the aspect of our work that we aren't just there to work with the parents. And then we just have this blob over here that like happens to interplay occasionally. It's like, no, we've got two humans in front of us. Well, sometimes more than that, the different parents, but also whatever number of babies there is. And I feel like sometimes grasping that because you can't communicate as easily with the little ones is sometimes hard. And I think sometimes parents haven't really gotten to the point of seeing that little creature as like a human being. And I think it's really the first step to that connecting piece is really just recognizing that this is another human in front of you and we need to honor them just like we would our neighbor, our best friend like that. They have their own autonomy and needs and personality. And I think it's an amazing. Part of our work because sometimes we can help everyone in the room see that. But it's also requires us to slow down just a bit and not be so like, let's like bam through this consult and get our job done and get out of here. It's like slow down. Like we need to make a moment for that connection.

Annie - Definitely. One of my things that I always do is I always begin the exam of the baby. So I have the baby on a blanket in front of me. Usually I do it, and if I'm in their apartment, I'll do it on their couch. Like if they have one of those lounge couches, like with the chairs attachment, I'll put a blanket down there and I'll kneel in front of it. Where in my office I put chucks pads down on top of the Ottoman in my office and sit in my chair. So I'm kind of a little bit above them. But I'm not standing when I do it. That feels comfortable to me. And I always start every assessment with, well, hey, they're friends. Yeah. Every baby is my friend. And I love to, like, give them a little smile. I like to compliment something about the baby. Like, point out something like, I don't know. Sometimes I'm like, your baby is beautiful. Sometimes there are just those babies that are just, like, extraordinarily beautiful. But like, I like to say something about the baby that I'm noticing and I smile and mean usually. It's always very genuine. Like I think I've never had to fake it about a baby. Like I'm always just like something spontaneous is always there. I'm just like, You're so cute usually is what I'm saying. It's just that moment of admiration of this little person.

Leah - A little person who's just made it onto our planet and is just going to do we have no idea what the future holds for them? I feel like I like to just have that reverent moment. I really try to get eye contact, even if it's a new baby. If the baby's feeling like that would be comfortable for them to definitely once there are a couple of weeks old, this is it gives me a pause to like really just be reverent about like the humanness of the thing in front of me is to just see if I can get them to make eye contact while I'm smiling and talking and all of those pieces to it. And I really like to kind of talk to the baby through my exam, of course, like asking consent, like, now I'm going to do this. Are you okay with that? If I'm looking at their mouth, I kind of tap around their mouth and stroke their face first and make sure that they're giving me all the body signals of like, yes, I'm enjoying this. I want to keep going. If they're turning away or grimacing, that I'm like, okay, it looks and I'll even say it out loud to the parent. Looks like they're not comfortable with this right now. Okay, why don't we do this? Or I'm going to see if I can soothe them. Or how about you give them a little snuggle and we'll try again in a few minutes? Things like that, because I think it also helps the parent to see where we could really like giving that autonomy to the baby and having them kind of consent and then talking through the whole exam all talk about everything that I'm going to do to both the baby and the parent. I certainly am telling the parent what I'm going to do and make sure that they're comfortable with everything. But I'm also telling the baby, like, now I'm going to look at your cheeks and ooh, look at your tongue. Can do. Can you? I'm like, talking them through the entire thing. How do you approach that piece of, like, consent and then, like, kind of communicating with the baby?

Annie - Yeah, I definitely try to figure out how to ask permission from the baby or at least vocalize that. And then when I stop doing something, I'll also vocalize like, Oh, you didn't like that? Okay, let's let's try something else. Like I'll say it so that the parent is hearing it. But also I just think there's like even though the babies can't understand our words, they can understand our intention and our energy like and I don't mean that in a woo kind of way. Like, I mean that when you talk about something, it impacts your communication, not just with words, but like your body language and all of that. So I think babies are very receptive to that. And I do a lot like when I first start with the baby and I'll do something to try to like just get them comfortable physically. So usually I'll like stroke the top of the head and then I love like I have learned so many different body movements for babies, for so many different things, for like assessment and for teaching families things to do. But my personal favorite are just hip circles. So I just put my hands on either side of the baby's hips and I just do the little rolling, little rolling hip circles. Yeah. And I do them both ways. Sometimes I'll add the little sushi roll up. I forget where I heard the sushi roll from, but that's what I have been calling it. So I'm sorry to whoever taught that to me. I don't remember where the name came from, but I think it's kind of probably. I love those too. It must be Brenna with the they call it stir the soup.
And then I always make the joke is like, when you make baby soup, you got to go both ways. And that often gets a laugh. I don't know. Like, I really like to get laughs during visits. I don't know, a bit of like a stand up comedian. I don't know. But that one, that one kills. So that helps. I feel like warm the babies up, but it also helps me, gives me a minute I'm doing some assessment while I'm doing that and I'm also like, it's serving so many purposes. Like I'm also just showing the parents a way they can move their baby. And that one, those two, I feel like I have yet to find a baby who was like, I really hate this. Like most of them are into. They're pretty gentle and mild and obviously only do as much as the baby will let me do. And then I do just like you do, like tapping the lips. After hearing my previous intern who was in speech language pathologist watching her do assessments during her training, I now copied her language, which is Can I come in? She taps on their lips and says, Can I come in? And I just think that's so cute.

Leah - That's so funny. I think it's so funny. So many times you and I or others look like I'll say like, Oh, I do this. And they did it too. And we never got it from the same place. Like, because it was something that we thought nobody else was doing. And then we do it. And I think like, that's just how the genius of it all, we're all we're all kind of like landing on the same place because it's so what needs to happen. That's so funny.

Annie - Yeah, definitely.

Leah - I know. Can I come in? That's so cute.

Annie - And if they don't let me in, I respect that. It's hard. I mean, there does get to be a point in the consult where we maybe, like, there's time limits and there are like if I am trying to assess the baby for tongue tie, that is something where I will say, I'm just going to come in for a second. So I am like, I'm doing that. I'm telling you that you're consenting to this. Yeah, but I know that the parents have consented to it and they're consenting on behalf of their baby, which they're allowed to do. And I will, like, just tell the baby it's just going to take a second. I make it go as fast as and and I'm like, this is the last thing I'm going to do. Yeah. And it always make it the last thing. And like, we are done. You don't ever have to see me again..

Leah- And through it all, try to be like really happy voice and like, when I lift up their tongue, I'll go like, peek what's under there, I'll try to make it like, as happy as a person could make something that I know is not like super comfortable to them. And I'll always tell the parent to I'm like, This is the last thing I'm going to do. I'm just going to lift up their lip and lift up their tongue and check in their cheeks. And most babies like, don't love this, but I'm going to go really fast and I'll kind of tell you what I'm seeing as I go through it. And I think that also gives the parents peace of mind to that. Like if the baby's kind of squirming and doesn't love it, like we're doing it really fast and with the intention of trying to have the least amount of discomfort and a lot of babies is not uncomfortable. But usually if they're tongue tied, it's more uncomfortable.

Annie - If they're posed for Frenotomy, I won't always go in there.

Leah - I don't usually I usually am watching the parent do the lifts for that is more important to me than me getting in there but I know that that's uncomfortable for them too.

Annie - Yeah. And often that discomfort is that the babies are showing the degree of discomfort tells me a lot to like sometimes they'll be like it was just really hard for me to get under there.
I've have done the trainings about assessing visually. I'm very comfortable assessing visually, but I'm also very comfortable assessing with my fingers. And this might be a function of my bad eyesight. I've never had a case where what I felt with my fingers wasn't then exactly what I saw with my eyes. So I don't know. That's an area of just clinical judgment where I feel comfortable even if I can't get under there and can't undo it. As long as I've been able to feel it, I'm like, I have a good sense.

Leah - Yeah, yeah. I think that's so true. And I think the other thing with connecting with the babies beyond just our like, kind of our interaction with them is also kind of helping the parent and the baby make a deeper connection. It's kind of part of our role or part of something that we can help them see is both by example, kind of all these ways that we're talking to them and showing them how they can interact with their baby, which helps build their connection, but also like letting the parent be part of that bridge for all of us. Like I'll always ask the parent even before my exam, like, tell me some things about your baby, like completely not feeding related. Like just tell me a little bit about what they are like between feedings. What do they like? What are they not like? Because it could give me some clues on how I might need to approach the baby. Like if the mom's like, Oh my gosh, they're so, so sensitive they won't let anybody else hold them. Like, I'm like constant contact with them. I'm like, Oh, okay. Well, maybe I'll be doing the exam on the parents body instead of trying to take them off because the baby's going to be more comfortable there. Or maybe the father is like, hey, they really love to have this movement or they're so happy, chill. They'll hang out with anybody as long as they're fed. They're like, super chill, baby. I just think it's fun to get to hear the parents intake and perspectives, but I also think it kind of helps them build some bonding when they talk about their baby unrelated to the needs and fulfilling the needs of the baby.

Leah - But just like, what have they discovered about their sweet little one and the little underpinnings of this little human in front of us, like their little personality emerging and what they like and what they don't like. How about that for you?

Annie - Yeah. Oh, yeah. One of the questions I asked on my follow up forms is what was the best thing that happened yesterday? And they'll usually tell something about their baby, like lots of smiles or meeting grandma for the first time and don't ask directly like you do, like tell me about your baby. But I try to like, hear what they're telling me about their baby and like, validate it or like, say, like, Yeah, I see that too sometimes. I'm sure you've had these visits where they've. They're like, My baby is so fussy. They cry all the time and then get to the visit. The baby's like happy. And the parents are like, Don't know. I promise. Like, it's been really bad.
And I'm always like, I totally believe you. You have seen everything that you've described and you described it really well. I can totally picture it and believe you and that I feel like it helps. And I also love to valid. Like, I don't know, sometimes they'll say things like, the other day I was with a client and this baby made the funniest face. It was like. And I think I said something like, Your baby is just sitting there silently judging us. And the mom goes, I call that his RBF. He has the best RBF. And we'll put maybe in the show notes what RBF stands for.

Leah - That's hilarious.

Annie - Oh, but it made me laugh. And then we, the two of us laughed forever because I was like, I see it. It was hilarious. Like any funny thing that the baby does or like when they poop, I'm always like, good comic timing. Like, that was a good one. Like, I just try to like, keep it light about the funny stuff, validate them about the serious stuff. And then a lot of my families have never seen the I guess it's commonly called the Colic holds how to hold their babies like they don't know how to hold their babies. So and that was like the one that, like, saved my life with both of my own kids. Where you have the babies heads over your elbow, your hands are between their legs and the baby's like draped on your arm like a little tree branch. And if they hand me their baby to hold, that's how I hold their baby. Yeah. And I swayed side to side. And I swear, like, I don't have magic powers, but most of the time the babies change their demeanor. When I do that, if they've been fussy and then the parents are like, Oh, wow. And then I'm like, no, this is I say, they call this the cold. I just call it the magic baby hold. And then I mime to them like, hold your baby like this. And then you've got a hand free to, like, shove things into your mouth. And they're like, Show me all your ways. And then when I get them holding the baby, whether it's like that or any other way, I try to find a moment to be like, Look at how relaxed your baby is. Yeah, when you're when you hold them. And to tie it back to the baby that like, I see all these things about their baby and I'm able to make it a connection with their baby. But then I always want to tell them, you have a connection with your baby. Like I'm making a connection. But you have a connection.

Leah - Yeah. Yeah. I like to do that through pointing out when the baby is looking at the parent, I'll be like, Look how they're looking at you. They just love you so much. Like they're just looking at you with those, like, just love pouring out of their little expression. I'll just always try to point out when the baby is looking at one of the parents what I'll be like. Look at him looking at you. He loves you so much. I think that sometimes you're just in the thick of it. You're just trying to keep this thing alive. You're not thinking about when you're a new parent, you're not thinking about the humanness of them all the time. You're just trying to make sure they're fed and diapers clean and that you've just made it through the day with them staying alive. And so sometimes somebody else showing how that baby is so responsive and so in love with them helps them to make a deep. Connection and and sometimes with just the little pause to say, Oh, look how they look at you. They just love their beautiful mama or look how they're just staring at daddy. They just love his voice things like that. I just think it's so fun to help them see some of that too.

Annie - I know and think it feels good to at least have my feeling when I see it. It works on the parents that they're like they came to us and we're like these experts and we're like telling them something personal about their relationship with their baby After spending a lot of time with them, like I think they I know they know that it's genuine. Yeah, I did have one one dad say to me last summer, I said something like, your baby is just so, so cute. And he goes, I bet you say that to all the babies. And I actually stopped. And I was like I said to him, I actually do say something like that to all the babies. But the thing is, I mean it every single time I say it. I'm like, yeah, it's like not canned. Even though there's only so many different ways you can talk about like, I know.

Leah - And they're so sweet and cute and innocent and adorable and yeah, there's like only so many ways that you can say that, but we know it comes from such a genuine place. And I think it's just another I feel like we've said it so many times on the podcast, it's like, yes, our job is this feeding specialist that's coming in to help with feeding, but because we have this unique opportunity to spend so much time with families, we have an opportunity to touch a lot of areas of their experience with their little one. I think this is just one that should stay in the forefront of our minds as such an important piece to the work that we do. And it just brings a real humanness, a deeper purpose for all this hard work and trudging through all the hard things that we have to trudge through, it makes it so worth it to know that you got to connect with another human. If I think about all the families that I've worked with and count up all of them, it's like, whoa, I've gotten to have hopefully a positive impact even through that moment of just welcoming this new human on the planet and saying, Welcome, we're so glad you're here and you're destined for great things and you're adorable even just that. Just think about all the opportunities you have to just put a tiny bit more positive light in this world. And it also just enriches this work that we do. And our purpose just grows deeper with this reminder of connecting with all the people that are in front of you, not just the parents.

Annie - Absolutely. I love everything about that. I have been slowly rolling out some swag in my paperless lactation site, and Allie Reynolds from Valley Lactation is doing the designs for me. She's also does my social media and she came up with one that came for the parents, stayed for the babies. And I just love that. I'm like, yeah, that's kind of my story in a nutshell. And another piece of lactation related gear that I love are Rachel O'Brien's I Speak Baby shirts, and she's got just the cutest logo, the cutest design, and it's just so adorable. I speak baby, and I think about that in like. I know things about babies that these parents don't know, and it's definitely a sacred opportunity to be able to give that to them and teach them how to connect to the how to speak baby themselves.

Leah - Yeah, you become like a little translator for a minute and oh, wow. Now that they understand each other, it's like a whole new world opens up for them.

Annie - Absolutely. And that's why we're excited to have Rachel is going to be doing a deeper dive with us later this month on August 22nd at 3 p.m. Eastern, 12 Pacific. She's going to be doing a deeper dive into the latest on bottles and nipples because one of Rachel's specialties with her ability to speak baby is in bottle refusal teaching babies how to take a bottle. And I've learned so much from her. So she's been doing a ton of research on everything that's on the market these days in preparation for a course she's putting out on guiding bottle breakthroughs, which will be happening in September, I think is when all of the content is going to be available. But we're going to be sharing more about that at the deeper dive. We'll have a link to register to the deeper dive in the show notes, or you can subscribe to the deeper dive membership for $15 a month, you get access to every Live Deeper Dive, plus our archive of deeper dives going back as far as January 2020. We've got several in there from Rachel. She's done another one with us on bottle consults and the Who code and all of that, but also on private practice. And she is one of our favorites.

Leah- So I'm so excited for this because just like when we did Nicole's about pumps, I was like, I cannot stay on top of what is on the market. Like even my best efforts, I like to try to stay on top of it all, but it feels literally impossible if unless I were to sit down and just have like a block of three hours a week to just study and thank God other people are willing to do that. Like Rachel, like, please study this and then give me the cliff notes. Give me the cheater's code on keeping abreast of all that is on the market because I get overwhelmed and parents are asking about like, what about this new thing? What about that new thing? And I'm like, oh, I haven't got a chance to work with it yet.

Leah - I don't really know enough yet to say yay or nay or it's a great thing or it's a bad thing. And I fall back on like what I like tried and trues are working for me. But I know that innovation means that there will be more, hopefully great things coming down the line also. I see not great things coming down the line, but that's something we that out and I am so ecstatic for this deeper dive but also for the course because bottle refusal is so challenging. It's one of those things that I really enjoy working with families, but also find it to be some of the most stressful cases. So I always have to really keep learning about that so that I can bring my best skills, because usually it's some of the most stressful situations. When parents are desperate for their baby to eat or they got to go back to work. It seems to be some of the most stressful ones.

Leah - So it's so important to learn those skills and you can be such an asset to those families how to help them through that hard time.

Annie - Yeah, for sure. And one of the things we're going to ask Rachel on this deeper dive is what do you do when a family holds up a bottle and is like, well, we got these. What do you think of those? And it's a bottle you've never seen before. What kinds of questions are you going to be asking yourself or what kind of observations you're going to be making about that bottle? In order to be able to give clients guidance on the spot before running to go ask Rachel, Look it up in her bottle course what Rachel thinks about it. So I'm really excited. So that's coming up. Registration is open now can join live or if you register, you get the recording. If you can't make it live, it's obviously so great when you're there. When we had Nicole last month and Nikki Greenaway on the mastitis protocol, we had such chatty groups for those two deeper dives and it was so much fun.

Annie - That's our favorite.

Leah - Just bloomed into this, just such a rich discussion and really diving into so many applicable things. I mean, I was over here with a notepad just like writing down so many things. So I'm like, even though I have the recording too, I'm like, Oh, don't forget that. Oh man, that was gold. I got to write that down just because when those conversations turn to what people are experiencing in their practice day to day, that's where we just really get so much rich conversation and really get to tap into these experts who have probably come across these situations. So by all means, if you can. Make it live. We highly encourage that and we highly encourage you just sharing all the questions that you have. We really like to include you in the conversation that's with these deeper dives are all about.

Annie - Well, this has been a lot of fun just thinking about babies. Both of us have consults later today. We’ll wrap it up and go see some babies. So, yeah, this was great. I'll see you soon.

Leah - See you soon.

Annie - Bye.